Among the more frequent issues I see with in my clinical practice is low self esteem and lack of self-confidence and one of the universal components of this condition is the client’s extreme (excessive) concern about what others are thinking of them. Brought up in a culture that worships at the superficial altar of one-upmanship and materialism and that has largely lost its sense of spiritual community—whose mantra is me, me, me instead of we, we, we—they have long forgotten the perfectly formed and vastly abundant self love, honor and respect, the self-esteem they—we—were all born with. As such they take just about everything personally and they are a mess for it.
One of the primary tenets of Synthesis involves re-discovering how to love, honor and respect oneself (remember the Formula for Change we discussed in the last segment). A big part of that process is to really understand two unassailable facts: 1) everyone operates from his or her own perception of reality and 2) the only person any of us can ever control, ever, is ourselves. What other people do, think say or feel has nothing to do with you; it is their reality and you have no control over it. What you do in reaction to what others do, think, say or feel, however, is always your choice and therefore under your control. This is what Don Miguel means when he says that nothing others do is because of you, it is a projection of their [perception of] reality, or what he calls their dream.
When you use the “Show Me Proof/Earth Round-Earth Flat” technique to destroy and release your limiting beliefs, when you take responsibility for your reality, your behaviors and outcomes, when you re-learn to love honor and respect yourself, and live in a state of what Dr. Shelia Foreman calls “self-fullness,” when you abide by and live to your core values, you are learning how to become your best you. You also learn not to care what others think of you. To paraphrase Don Miguel, you become immune to the opinions and actions of others and therefore need not be the victim of needless suffering.
This notion is hugely important. I have come to realize that the most empowered (and successful) people on the planet are the ones who learn not to care what others think of them. They focus instead on making sure they like who they are, they live according to their core values and as a result, they get what they want; and they attract lots of like minded people, what in Synthesis is called, “finding your tribe.” It’s important to remember that the energy you put out determines what you attract back. Yes, the law of attraction is real and it does work, so concentrate on living in self-fullness and you will be just fine in every way.
Another way to think about this is to realize that there are over seven billion individuals in this club we call humanity. Don’t you think that out of that many people there are plenty who will share your core values, who will find you are just delightful just the way you are? And given that fact, who cares about the rest? As Abraham (Abraham-Hicks) advises, “here are far too many of them and they are too fickle; you can never please them all.”
Of course there are exceptions. You will do well to pick a few members of your tribe to act as your reflectors. These are people who know you, who share your core values, and who know your best you, and thus will offer feedback about your actions or behavior from a place of love and compassion. In other words, you can pay attention to their input and evaluate their recommendations seriously because they truly have your best interests at heart. In my opinion, having just a couple or three reflectors is a good way to keep you in the energy of self-fullness and synthesizing your growth and empowerment. No one is completely immune to their ego; and it is the ego—the insecure little four-year old that lives within all of us—that will take us down that path of giving up our power to others and taking unnecessary things personally.
Finding your core values— an exercise
One of the challenges many of my clients have at the outset of learning to not take anything personally is to fully understand their core values. Your core values are the attributes in your life that you must have in order to feel right and balanced; these are the non-tradeoff items. We all have core values for all the important aspects of life— relationships (platonic and intimate), careers, hobbies, etc. and knowing what they are and the order of their priority is hugely important in living in balance and energetic alignment.
You probably know most of your core values but if you’re not sure what they are or their order of importance you can do a simple exercise to clarify them and set them in order. Let’s take relationships (significant others) as an example. Ask yourself, what are the non-tradeoff attributes I need in a partner? Make a list. Your list might include descriptors like honesty, loyalty, open, monogamous, passion, mutual interests, singular interests, socializing, financial abundance, intimacy, physical attraction, etc.
Once you have your list set them in order from most important to least. Remember, least important doesn’t mean unimportant, but there is always some hierarchy involved. Once you have your list ordered, you know exactly what to look for in a partner, and what you are willing to compromise on—or not. Do this with every aspect of your life and live according to your core values and it becomes quite easy to not take very much personally because you feel so good with your self-full, happy, abundant life. Remember rule number 1 in Synthesis: Life is supposed to be fun! When you commit to being your best you and not worry about what others think, life becomes very fun, indeed!
Next, Don’t Make Assumptions”
Blessings,
Dr. John
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